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[20 Oct 2005|09:14pm] |
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If you throw a cat out of your car window, is it kitty litter?
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| joke |
[29 Aug 2005|07:21pm] |
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So, this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what's up with that and he replies, "Arrr, 'tis drivin' me nuts!
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| Stupid people are the best |
[27 Aug 2005|09:46am] |
The Darwin Awards 2005
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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| Answer truthfully... |
[24 Jul 2005|09:47pm] |
wanna know something???
1. How tall are you? 6'0"
2. Do you own a gun? No
3. Rehab? No
4. Have you ever killed an animal? Some fish
5. Are you Irish? i don't know (but i sure like beer)
6. What do you think of hot dogs? they rule
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? "Silver Bells"
8. What is your favorite smell? FOOD cooking
9. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Anything w/ caffeine
10. Do you do pushups? no, but i could if i wanted to.
11. Have you ever done ecstasy? I'll plea the 5th on this one
12. Have you been shot? No
13. Have you ever been hospitalized? no
14. Do you like painkillers? pain, what pain?
15. Whats your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Take a look at me and if u still cant tell then u must be blind!lol
16. Do you own a knife? only the ones in my kitchen
17. Do you have A.D.D.? I'm sorry could you repeat the question
18. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? Don't know, don't have nor want one
19. Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink: Beer, Mountain Dew, Water, Milk, and OJ
20. What's In Your CD Player? My personal mix of alternative rock
21. What's Under Your Bed? wouldn't you like to know
22. What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 10
23. Current Haircut? SHORT
24. What are you wearing? t shirt and shorts
25. Current worry? George W. Bush
26. Current Love? all of my friends
27. Current Hate? The American Government
28. Favorite Place To Be? Doak Cambell Stadium (GO NOLES)
29. Least Favorite Place? Jacksonville
30. If You Could Play An Instrument? Guitar
31. Favorite Colors: Garnet and Gold
32. One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with? Marie
33. Where Would You Like To Go? Amsterdam
34. Where Do you want to live?The Netherlands (I was born there)
35. Favorite foods? i love all kinds of food
36. Color of most clothes you own? Black and Blue
37. Number of pillows you sleep with? 2
38. What do you wear when you go to sleep? Boxers
39. What were you doing 12AM last night?Having a beer
40. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? Living life to the fullest
41. Are you paranoid? No, who's that?
42. Do you burn or tan? Dude, i burn like a struck match
43. First piercing/tattoo? never
44. Last person you yelled at? Somebody at work
45. Latest crush? i prefer not to indulge that information
46. Last thing you ate? Fried rice
47. If you could be a pirate, would you? ARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! (i would love to)
48. What songs do you sing in the shower? i sing a medley of 80s songs
49. When and why did you last vomit?I dont remember when but it was from drinkin
50. What's in your pockets right now? Cold hard cash, BABY!!!!!!!!!
51. What color are your bedroom walls? Stone colored
52. Last thing that made you laugh? Martin Lawrence--You so Crazy
53. Any pets now? Yes, my dachsund, Duchess
54. Have u ever won any awards: YEAH
55. How many TV's do you have in your house:4
56. Who do you tell your dreams to? Anyone who'll listen
57. If u could pick one person to make out with who would it be? Let the line begin
58. What do you think of the person who posted this before you?
She seems to be pretty cool.
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| Ganked from H............ |
[01 Jul 2005|05:20pm] |
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Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me. It can only be one word. No more. Then copy & paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you.
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[26 Jun 2005|07:54pm] |
Slut Test
START with 100% and SUBTRACT 5% for each thing you've done on the list. Then sign the list on the bottom with your percentages, copy, and repost as new bulletin to compare with your friends.
1. smoked
2. drank
3. hook up with someone while drunk
4. done drugs
5. given a handjob/gotten a handjob
6. french kissed--
7. felt someone up/been felt up-
8. given a blow job/gotten a blowjob
9. made out with 2 dif people in a 12 hour period
10. had sex
11. had a threesome
12. watched porn
13. made your own sex tape
14. done any sexual act on a school campus--
15. peed on someone's lawn while drunk
16. had sex/messed around in your room while your parents were home--
17. had sex/messed around in a public place or somewhere where there was at least one person present
18. gotten caught having a party
19. used sex toys
20. snuck into someone's room/your own room after being out--
I got 20%, some would say that's a bad thing.
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[25 Jun 2005|07:27pm] |
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: * JaSpReeT *
Date: Jun 25, 2005 3:54 AM
Interesting but strange test-- 98% or 2%?
>>>>>
>>>>>At the end of this test, you are asked a question. Answer it
>>>>>immediately.
>>>>>
>>>>>Don't stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops
>>>>>into
>>>>>your mind.
>>>>>
>>>>>This is a fun "test"...AND kind of spooky at the same time!
>>>>>
>>>>>Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me)and
>>>>>you'll
>>>>>see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you.
>>>>>
>>>>>Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the
>>>>>2%.
>>>>>
>>>>>You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the
>>>>>"test".
>>>>>
>>>>>Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
>>>>>
>>>>>Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the
>>>>>previous
>>>>>one.
>>>>>
>>>>>You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it
>>>>>using
>>>>>your mind.
>>>>>
>>>>>You'll be surprised.
>>>>>
>>>>>Start:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>How much is: 15 + 6
>>>>>>>> > > > >
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>3 + 56
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>89 + 2
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>12 + 53
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>75 + 26
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>25 + 52
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>63 + 32
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>>>>>
>>>>>I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over.... Come
>>>>>on,
>>>>>one more...
>>>>>
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>123 + 5
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>>>>>
>>>>>QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOUR!
>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Scroll further to the bottom....
>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>A bit more....
>>>>>
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
>>>>>>>different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a
>>>>>>>red hammer while doing this exercise. If you do not believe this,
>>>>>>>pass it around and you'll see.
>>>>>>>if you are among the 98% or the 2% Repost this with either 2% or 98% in the subject line.
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| Not gonna be very popular... |
[12 Jun 2005|10:21pm] |
Please leave Michael alone, he is a freakin' child and that's it! People are just pissed at him because he lives like one and enjoys the company of children.
I am sorry but i believe he didn't do anything, period. Why can't we worry about more important shit, our president might as well be a murderer for Christ's sake.
Even if they do find you guilty, Michael, i believe you!!!!
Oh yeah, can we move past the 17th century please. I noticed a story on the news about women breast-feeding in public and i couldn't believe that there are still people opposed to this. What the fuck, they'll watch animals do it, what is the fucking difference. Some asshole actually likened breast-feeding to urinating in public, and then people wonder why other countries hate us, this is part of it i'm sure.
So ladies, breast feed evreywhere, personally i like boobs even if a baby is attatched (sorry that was kinda weird).
6/13-They acquitted MJ, the bastards got it right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| I'm Bored................. |
[04 Jun 2005|11:14pm] |
If anyone knows a good joke tell it to me and i'll tell ya one of my favorites.
</center
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| Sweet!!!!! |
[31 May 2005|07:53pm] |
As some may have noticed, my sister put up a cool ass layout for my LJ (thanks HEFFER, you too, Amanda)! As y'all may have noticed, i am a huge FSU fan and I will always love Beavis and Butthead as well (though we'll probably never see them again).
Star Wars totally kicked ass, i was very satisfied, but, it sucks that we won't get to see what happens after JEDI, on the big screen anyway. I'll get over it though.....
Later!
I really did, it sucked.
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| Memorial Day Weekend. |
[26 May 2005|08:14pm] |
Looks like i'm goin' fishing this weekend, and i am quite happy about it. There is nothing more relaxing ( in my eyes) than sitting on the beach with a cold one in one hand and a fishing pole in another.
DAMNIT, i kinda sounded like a redneck there, didn't i? Let's not get the wrong idea now.
What do you like to do to relax, i'd like to know. Perhaps i'll try a different method sometime, if anyone has a method that intrigues me.
Here's some funny shit:
http://soundamerica.com/sounds/cartoons/Beavis_and_Butthead/clbolton.wav
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| What the HELL happened????????? |
[18 May 2005|10:11pm] |
I finally watched Michael Moore's "Bowling For Columbine" last night and it got me thinkin' about a lot of things, good and bad, about this country....MOSTLY BAD.
I used to think that we Americans thought for ourselves and did what was right. All this has changed...due to TV, Radio, and the evil-doers in Washington. Everyone has been scared or duped into thinking that evil is coming from outside the country, FUCK THAT!!!! I see, on a daily basis, where the evil is coming from and it ain't Muslims its good ole AMERICA.
Our president is a completely moronic ASSHOLE, c'mon, how are you gonna teach the Russian president about democracy if YOU can't get it right yourself. Coupled with the fact that the past election was another fix by the Republicans, i think it's time we "SHAVED OUR BUSH", impeach the bastard and everyone in cahoots with him.
We are headed down a very bad path and if something doesn't change soon, people are gonna start dying...not from terrorism, mind you, but from the lack of trust we hold in each other nowadays and the crap we are fed every day on the news. C'mon, why is it that every news broadcast goes like this: Murder, Kidnapping, Murder, Weather, Murder, Cancer, AIDS, Sports, and MORE DEATH? What the FUCK, does nothing GOOD happen anymore? And i don's mean racing turtles or bed races!!!
I still believe there is good in MOST people, we have to hang on to this thought or else we are FUCKED!!!
As far as the GAY issue goes, i look at it this way, they are here and there ain't shit you can do about it. Don't get me wrong, i don't dislike gay people at all. In fact, to borrow a line from a comedian, "Gay marriage is fine with me, they deserve the right to be as miserable as anyone else!"
So, can we get past this and focus on what's really going on.
There is no "oil shortage", just a bunch of old white men who don't think they are rich enough. As far as Osama Bin Laden is concerned, if we wanted him we would have him...for Christ's sake we have satellites that can count every FUCKING hair on your head. They don't want to find him, i'm actually starting to believe that HE is in cahoots with the DIRTY BUSH himself.
OK, i think i'm done venting for now, please feel free to let me know how you feel, i haven't been on LJ long so my friends list is kinda small, if any of y'all know anyone who might agree with this OR disagree, send 'em my way.
PS- Especially anyone who disagrees--i love debating!!!
I'll leave with a couple funny pics i found, because i want to and it makes me smile!!!
LATER FOLKS!!!!!
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jubilant